Hindsight is always 20/20

When the doctor put my daughter in my arms for the first time, I smiled.  She was beautiful. And I remember being amazed at how soft her skin was.  The whole thing was amazing.  The drugs probably didn't hurt, either.

One minute old

What a contrast to my birth experience with Winston (W1).  He came fast and furious, which had a detrimental effect on me.  I don't remember any of those first moments after he was born.  I was in too much pain.  It was the kind of pain that I will never forget and wasn't even comfortable talking about until almost two years later.  I remember really seeing W1 when we were settled in our overnight room several hours later, after the narcotics kicked in.  When I found out I was pregnant with W2, I had all kinds of issues.  I started having panic attacks at work anytime I thought about delivery.  My heart would race, I would become hot, I'd get a headache, and I couldn't function for the rest of the day.

Eventually, I brought this up with my therapist.  She had me tell her my experience with all of the gory details.  This led to me being diagnosed with PTSD from W1's delivery.  Never saw that coming.  She also met with John separately to get his version of the story.  The next time we met, she said we both were traumatized.  She said usually patients tend to exaggerate their experiences but after talking to John, she thought I might have downplayed it.  (In all fairness, John remembers more than I do and he watched the entire event.  I had my eyes closed, so I was unaware of some things like the total chaos, a nurse passing out, or amount of blood I lost).  I do remember that shortly after W1 was born, John said to me "If you don't want to have any more kids, I will never ask you to go through that again."  From that guy that always wanted two kids.

A precipitous labor is one that is defined as labor that lasts 3 hours or less, from the first contraction to delivery.  With W1, it was 1 hour and 45 minutes.  I never knew there was a name for it until I was pregnant with W2.  People will say things like "you're so lucky your labor was fast!"  When in reality, precipitous labor increase the risk of trauma for mom.  It increases the risk for PTSD and postpartum depression by significant amounts.  There is nothing "lucky" about it.

I didn't know any of this and looking back, I can almost guarantee I had postpartum depression.  I couldn't talk about it, because even thinking about delivery made me sick to my stomach and want to vomit.  I burnt out at work and changed jobs about 7 months after returning to work.  I almost left engineering entirely, but luckily John talked me down.  I didn't talk about how I was feeling because I had this beautiful, healthy baby and I felt guilty that a healthy baby wasn't enough.  Goddamn you Facebook and Pintrest and all other social media that portrays new motherhood as being all sparkles and glitter.  I felt like I wasn't living up to expectations.  I felt isolated and ungrateful and completely alone. 

All of this came crashing back when I was pregnant with W2.  The fear was like a lead weight on my chest.  I was afraid of the pain, of the loss of control.  Every piece of research and anecdotal information is that subsequent deliveries are faster than the previous. I could not fathom having a delivery any faster.  There were new fears to consider: what about W1?  Who will take care of him?  What if I go into labor at home and scare him?  What if we have to take him to the hospital with us and I have to deliver without John?  What if we don't make it to the hospital on time and I rupture blood vessels again?  

Thank god for licensed therapists.  And thank god I was able to get in at the hospital for a scheduled induction at 39 weeks so W2's delivery was completely controlled (and fully medicated).  

Looking back, I should have gotten help sooner.  Two years is a long time to carry around that kind of fear and trepidation.  I should have gone to a new mom group or breast feeding support group.  I wish someone would have told me that being a new mom is hard.  Really hard.  And while there are great moments, they aren't all great moments and you shouldn't feel guilty for that.  I wish I had been kinder to myself and had more realistic expectations.

At the same time, I am a firm believer that there really are very few mistakes in life that should be regretted.  Everything we do or don't do, every decision and mistake we make, take us down life's path and mold us into the people we are.  I have very few regrets in life because that would mean I regret where I am today.  Like I said previously, maybe I needed to break down completely to be able to build myself back up and really feel whole.

Me too

Hitting the publish button on this blog post will be the scariest thing I've ever done.  

I'm a private person and I'm really good at keeping secrets.  Really good.  But secrets can eat at you, like battery acid slowly dripping into your soul, robbing you of laughter and joy and making the entire world seem like a dark place.  The world isn't a dark place.  I'm ready to trade a few secrets if that means I get a little more laughter and joy. Two big things happened this year that brought me to this place.

The first happened this winter (on my birthday, to be exact), while laying on a table in a doctor's office getting a sonogram.  Something broke.  I broke.  I fell into a million little pieces and this time I couldn't pretend I was fine and that I could put the pieces back together myself.  After a week of severe depression and constant crying, I finally realized I needed help.  I still need help. I found a therapist and only after we had our first appointment did I tell John.  I was too embarrassed, too worried about being judged to tell him beforehand.  But I knew I had to tell him, if only to explain the charge on my credit card.

Then just a few weeks ago, I found a picture online that resonated with me so much, I book marked it and reread it every day for a week.  Just to look at the picture.  Here's a link to the article.  If you don't want to read the whole article, just look at the second picture.  It's a tattoo that when facing the woman, reads "I'm fine".  However, from her perspective (which would be upside down) it reads "save me."  

I read and reread the article and all I could think was 'me too.'  It is the simplest and most eloquent way to describe depression.  Two words.  And outward I'm fine, but the inward cry for help. I finally admitted to myself what I have been denying for so long.

I suffer from depression.

OK Sam, take a deep breath.  It's out there.  Your heart won't stop, you won't be branded or given a scarlet D to wear on your chest.  It will be OK.

Will it be OK?  What if a co-worker somehow stumbles on this and figures out who I am?  Or heaven forbid, what if any of my family read this?  There is still a stigma around mental health issues and that is exactly why I refused to admit it for so long. Will anyone even care?  I don't know.  But I know I suffered in silence because I felt (and sometimes still do) that admitting I was depressed was a weakness (it's not). That it made me a bad wife and mother. That in admitting that flaw, I was opening myself up to a whole host of mental health issues that seem to be passed down through the generations of women in my family like a screwed up family heirloom.  "Here you go Sam! A diagnosis of depression, just for you!"

I'm not looking for attention, sympathy, or anything along those lines.  I'm a work in progress and I'm just trying to lighten my load.  To be happier.  To be happy.  Sometimes I watch John and Winston play and they're having so much fun and there is something that holds me back.  I can see it and feel it and I can't stop it.  I want to stop it. I want to be able to be silly and have fun.

If anything, I hope maybe someone else sees a part of themselves in my struggles.  Someone else goes "me too" and realizes that maybe it's not her fault and she's not failing everyone around her to.  "Me too" can be powerful, especially when you've felt alone and adrift for so long.

I'm also hoping for understanding.  One thing I know firsthand is how hard it is to watch someone with depression.  Before my own experiences, I had a front row seat to some pretty serious depression and other issues in my immediate family.  Maybe I'll explain that later, but suffice to say that I didn't understand.  I was hurt and angry and I tried to understand (although I was pretty young for that anyway) but I couldn't.  Why can't you get out of bed?  Why don't you want to play?  Why do you say nothing for days or weeks on end and then explode?  I get it now.  Maybe I can help someone understand who has been fortunate enough to avoid this for themselves.  A little compassion and understanding goes a long way.

I guess I'm finally ready to take that risk and open myself up.  Maybe sometimes we're meant to be broken down completely. If my birthday had been spent some other way, maybe I never would have found the courage to get help.  Maybe spending time being broken is the only way that I will ever feel whole.  I'm trying to do right by my kids and they deserve a mom who is whole, a mom that can laugh and be silly.  The least I can do is try.

Change will do you good

As if having a baby wasn't enough change for me this last year, I have decided to change jobs.

A lot changed after having Winston, more than I was prepared for. Putting Winston in daycare was tough and I wasn't feeling satisfied at work, which made it even tougher. It took me a long time to make the decision, but ultimately, I decided I need to change in order to grow my career.

Friday I gave my bosses notice. That was one of the hardest conversations I've had to have. I'd be lying to say that I have no second thoughts. I feel like I'm letting my bosses down or something along those lines. It was like I was breaking up with them, which is probably the most appropriate analogy. You don't work in a small firm for 5 years without developing a relationship with the people around you. I wasn't quite prepared for how hard it was going to be.

But I keep reminding myself two things: 1) Change is good and 2) We don't usually regret the things we do, we regret the things we don't do. So I'm stepping into a bit of unknown by taking a new position. It's a step up in responsibility. I've been quoting Office Space all week: "It's a big promotion. You'll have up to four people working directly under you." So not exactly, but I have accepted a position as squad leader, which sounds so much cooler than structural engineer.

I'm nervous as hell. I've never been responsible for others' work and I've never worked on the design side. Then there is new people, office politics, and new standards that come with a large office. It is a little scary but the only way to grow is to get outside your comfort zone.

With that, I'll end with a picture of Winston. This was a month ago now. I can't believe how fast this year has gone.

Winston pictures always brighten my day.

Time flies

...when you're having fun. Jeesh, it's been a while.

At the campground we stayed at in Denali National Park.

Hmm, where do I begin? Winston is almost 8 months old, which is hard to believe. We were recently in Alaska for John's work. The kiddo did great, but I won't be flying with him again any time soon.

I DNF'd Kansas. I will preface this by saying that I was completely undertrained going in, so maybe it's a good thing I DNF'd. But (once again) my lack of post-baby logistical planning got the better of me. I didn't think to try on my wetsuit prior to the race and as it turns out, my "workin' boobs" don't quite fit in my wetsuit and I was hauled out of the water by some very kind volutneers. And then I needed help getting the damn thing off.

Life lesson: Don't sign up for any races while you're pregnant. Someone please remind me of this if/when #2 is on the way.

As for the elimination diet, that saga continues. I did feel better, sleep better, and have more energy while I did it and I lasted about 3-4 weeks. So I went to a GI specialist and was completely disappointed in his opinion (take Fibercon and a prescription antacid) besides I felt like he didn't really listen to me. It didn't help he was as old as the hills. I have found a registered sports nutritionist and wellness expert that I'm going to work with to determine my food sensitivities. I never even filled that prescription and I thought it was a little careless of him to give me a prescription, tell me I have no choice but to take it, and not discuss the potential side effects, like poor nutrient absorption which can lead to all sorts of health problems including osteoporosis, which runs in my family.

Psshh, Western medicine. "Here's a pill, now stop complaining." I'm turning into a hippie in my old age. Between the good results I had on the elimination diet and a book I'm reading, "Digestive Wellness", I have high hopes that I will get to the bottom of this. I didn't realize how bad I felt all of the time until I did the elimination diet.

But probably the biggest change in the last few months has been that Winston sleeps like a champ. I mean 12 hours a night without a sound. Teething is the exception, and that doesn't bother me one bit. You know, being a parent is so much easier on a full night's sleep. It also doesn't hurt that I have the cutest damn kid ever.
 


Cyclist in training

Elimination Diet - Week 1



Week 1 of my Elimination Diet ended with the Rock the Parkway 1/2marathon on Saturday.  The race and my registration debacle deserve a separate post but the nutrition aspect is important.  Actually, what's important is that I didn't have any GI issues.



One of us was much more serious about this race than the other.

This last week has been a little tough and I did cheat a little (brand new package of 2-year aged white cheddar from WI.  I had to have a little).  But for the most part I was good.  I think coffee and cereal are what I miss the most.  Breakfast is the most difficult but I've found a good option, it just requires prep the night before.  One thing I learned is that when I cook, I always make more so I have leftovers in the fridge.  Other than fresh fruit, there is nothing quick to eat on this diet.

So right now, my preferred breakfast is banana quinoa with coconut milk.  I cook 1 cup quinoa as directed, then put in 2 overripe, mashed bananas, 1 tsp salt and coconut milk to cover and cook on low to combine.  I put it in the fridge and  eat it hot or cold in the morning.  Today I added blueberries as well.  I've been buying Silk brand coconut milk and it's pretty good.  It's fortified with calcium, which I need.  And it makes a great chai tea.

I'm feeling better and definitely less gassy.  Besides everything I listed last time, I found raw carrots also cause problems.  I also went to my primary care doc and have a referral for a GI specialist. I'll be calling this week.  It would be nice to have a professional agree with whatever I find (or tell me why I'm crazy).  So it goes on.  Week 2, here I come.

Elimination

It's been a while, I know.  I swear I'd blog more if I could do it one-handed.  Quick family update: Winston is battling a cold since January but otherwise he's about the happiest kid you can imagine.  Work is work, but that's for another day.  Half marathon training is... done for all intensive purposes.

Next week is Rock the Parkway and I'm not as prepared as I'd like.  Big surprise. We've had a rough month, sleep wise, which has left me chronically sleep deprived and lacking motivation.  On top of that, I'm still having lots if GI issues, which is usually reflected in the little one as well.

To be honest, I've always had GI issues but they've been manageable.  The gluten problem became noticeable when I started 70.3 races and when I was pregnant.  Since I love all things carbs, I went right back to gluten after Winston was born.  I don't know if gluten is my only problem or one of many.  So with a big push from John, I'm starting an elimination diet.  Today.  Right now.

I'm am not happy about this.  But apparently, since my problems are passed on to the munchkin, John is really tired of the two of us feeling like crap.  It was an elimination diet or go to a GI specialist.  This seemed the better option than having a scope stuck up or down anything.  But I'm still not happy. Especially since John has only committed to doing it with me "82%".  But he has graciously offered to eat all the food in the house that I can't have.  For the next. 3. weeks.

I'm going to try to do it all, which means eliminating gluten, legumes (soy, beans, etc), dairy (this will be a tough one), beef, caffeine, alcohol, nuts & seeds, and sugar.  What in the hell do I get to eat you ask?  Some meats, rice & quinoa, veggies, fruits, water & tea.  Except I have a hard time with green tea, so even that's out.

And I'm supposed to keep a diary of food, sleep, mood, etc.  After 3 weeks I can start to reintroduce foods in, one new food every 3-4 days to track any changes.  Let's get started: Day 1 - pissed off.  The neighbors are all standing outside in this gorgeous weather, drinking beer.  I'm trying to plan what in the hell I'm going to eat all week.  I should look at this as an experiment and maybe that will make it more tolerable.  We'll see.  If I can run the half on Saturday without any GI issues, it may be worth it.

Lab Rat

Take two daily

Before Winston was born, a friend alerted me to a study that KU was conducting.  The study is following breastfeeding women to see if high doses of DHA prevent bone loss due to lactation.  I qualified for the study and set everything up with the researchers before Winston was born.  Then I went back in a few weeks later to get my pills.

I did know it, but apparently when women lactate, the lose up to 8% of their bone density, which is a fairly large amount.  It makes sense - I have to assume it takes a large amount of calcium and other minerals to produce breastmilk, I just didn't realize it affected bone density.  My mom was diagnosed with pre-osteoporosis years ago, before turning 50 if I remember right.  Since this study does no harm at the least and may help bone density at best, I thought it'd be good to volunteer.

The study is using either a placebo or 2 grams of DHA in pill form.  (DHA is a type of omega-3 fatty acids found in fish oil.)  For comparison, John and I have been taking a high-potency fish oil in gel form.  The standard dose for an adult is 230 mg DHA or 0.23 grams.  The study does is almost 10 times that amount.  That's some expensive fish oil!

Besides getting my pills, I had to answer a bunch of questions, have height, weight, and blood pressure measured, give blood, urine, and breastmilk samples, and have a bone density scan done.  In the following 3 months I also had to do a food diary for one 3-day period.

I had my 3 month follow up a few weeks ago where I learned, much to my delight, that I'd lost almost 10 pounds since my first visit.  And as luck would have it, the kinesiologist who operates the bone density scanner is a triathlete.  After the study is over, he offered to do a body composition scan for free (read: very expensive body fat test that normal people not associated with a university or professional athletes don't have access to.  Score!).

I'm pretty sure I'm not in the placebo group.  How do I know?  Like any good engineer, I wanted to know what was in the capsule.  And unless they are going to great lengths to produce very realistic placebos, I would venture based on the odd citrus-fish smell that I have the real deal.  Don't ask me why they use citrus to mask the fish but the fish oil John and I buy does the same thing.

There is some compensation involved.  I get paid a whopping $25 for each visit I complete.  I have visits at 6 mo, 12 mo, and 18 mo.  It doesn't even cover my hourly pay for the time each appointment takes, but assuming I do have the fish oil, the cost of supplements is worth it.  And why not help further research?  Maybe in a few years it will be standard for breastfeeding women to get prescription fish to help prevent bone loss.

Heavy Duty

While doing laundry not too long ago, I realized that my new breastfeeding boobs had completely destroyed the elastic on several of my old sports bras.  During my runs, I started to notice that even doubling up wasn't doing the trick any more.  So I decided it was time to upgrade to some seriously heavy-duty sports bras so I could once again run in comfort.

 

I should admit that I never buy expensive sports bras.  I usually use the $15 Target ones and have never had any problems.  I'm also not very good at replacing them every year or so.  The ones that I wore out were probably 5-10 years old and ready to be replaced anyway. 

 

Man, was I shocked at the price of a high quality sports bra.  I used the sports bra guide in the Title 9 catalog but didn't actually buy one through them.  I wanted to be able to try one on since I had no idea what my actual size has become.  I wandered down to Ultramax, my favorite local triathlon store, since I knew they carried Moving Comfort bras, some of the best-rated sports bras I've found.

 

After getting over the sticker shock of $56 for a sports bra, I bought this one.  Moving Comfort Juno.

 

Front view

Back view

This bras was advertised as no bounce, which was exactly what I need.  These boobs are working boobs now and I need a sports bra just to go for a walk, let alone run.  It has front adjustable straps and a back hook and loop closure.  It's a little difficult to put on the first time, but one you get the hang of it, it's easy.

I'm glad I went in to try a few on.  The first one I tried, I underestimated the size of my new boobs and when I went to pull it on, the front straps tore loose and went flying!  Next size up, please.  But I did find the right fit eventually.

This sports bra is great if you're large chested and want to run without giving yourself a black eye.  Not that I've tried a ton of control sports bras (I couldn't afford it) but I really love this one.  It is a little work to put on and get adjusted, but it's totally worth it.  I've been able to increase my mileage, and I've even put in a few faster miles (sub-8:30 pace) in this bra, all without bounce.  I liked it so much I bought a second one in white.  The only downside is that once I stop breastfeeding, I probably won't be able to wear either of these. 

Progress?

This last weekend, I ran 5 miles.  It wasn't pretty.  It wasn't easy.  But it's progress nonetheless.  I've got to be honest, I'm not very happy with my current physical state.  I keep trying to tell myself to lighten up but it's hard and humbling when I'm reminded exactly how much I can't do every time I go out.

I'm a little nervous for the 1/2 marathon in April.  I have two and a half months to work my way up to 13 miles and it's going to take a while.  We won't discuss the 70.3.

I usually try to keep everything here fairly positive but I'm going to indulge in a little bitch session.  Feel free to stop reading.

I feel overwhelmed.  I feel isolated. My entire world has been turned upside down with Winston and for the most part it's good.  But it was a huge change in a short amount of time and I'm still trying to adjust.  My career and role at work is different (read: completely inconsequential due to my flexible and reduced schedule).  My relationships have all changed.  My free time is nonexistent.  My body still feels foreign.  I love my little boy more than anything but I still feel like I lost something.  I suppose this is probably all normal but no one talks about it.  All of the new moms I know are just over the moon about being a mom so I don't have anyone to talk to.  I feel like a crappy mom.  I hope it's just the sleep deprivation and hormones talking.

Nagging

It wasn't all that long ago that running 4 miles was my long run.  Back then, I was a size 12 (but ironically only weighed 150lb) and if I ran too much, I had nagging knee problems.  I didn't bike or swim, just the occasional run and lifting. I was told my bad knee was the result of poor genetics - my grandmother has had both her knees replaced and my mom had her first knee surgery at 30.

I started doing triathlons, lost a few pounds, dropped down to a size 6, and magically, my knee problems vanished.  Biking (along with weight/body composition) is the key to keep my knees happy and healthy.  I'm sure my improved diet also helps.  The point is, genetics had less to do with my bad knee than my excess weight.

Then I had a baby.

I stopped riding and spinning maybe 5 months in.  I put on weight.  I stopped running at 32 weeks.  I put on more weight.  I had a baby and ceased all physical activity for 6 weeks.  To be fair, of the 35 lb I gained, I had lost close to 30 lb of that within 2 weeks of giving birth but my body composition is nothing close to what it used to be.

Even so, when I started running again, I was surprised that my knee hurt.  Kept hurting.  I capped all my runs at 3 miles and I've started spinning in the garage, doing yoga at home and lifting weights.  But it hadn't gotten much better.  The cold temps don't help but I really thought after a week or two of spinning that it would go away.  I guess I need to start spinning more often.  Hopefully the knee will be back to normal soon.  One of these days, I need to start training for my upcoming races.  Even if not for speed, I'd like to be able to cover the distances and NOT feel like I was run over by a bus.

Goals and a reality check

2013 has arrived with little fanfare around here.  With a 7 week old in the house, there was no reason to stay up until midnight since I knew I'd be up shortly after to feed the baby anyway.

This probably sounds stupid, but I'm realizing how much more complicated having a little one makes life.  Even if Dad is watching him for the day, I have to feed him and pump another bottle before I leave.  Or like yesterday, I worked a few hours then went to the gym and had to pump in the locker room before working out.  There is a distinct possibility that I will have to pump in T2 for the Kansas 70.3 before starting the run.  Won't that be interesting.

Besides that, scheduling things in general is tough.  John and I both need some "me" time for our general well-being and sanity and we also need some couple time, too.  Right now both are hard to come by.

Then there is the fact that it's hard to put in a good workout, or any workout, after a rough night.  Last night I was up 3 times and never got more than 2.5 hours of sleep at a time.  And Winston had a rough day today.  So I didn't work out, I didn't eat lunch until 4:30 pm and my biggest accomplishment was not feeding the baby to hungry crocodiles.  Trust me, I thought about it.

I guess the whole point is that I probably need to dial my expectations back.  Maybe fitting back into all of my pre-pregnancy pants by June will have to be enough.

6 Pounds

It doesn't sound like much.  6 lb.  That is what I want to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, although that doesn't tell the whole story.  I haven't done a body fat test yet; I thought I'd give myself at least 3 months before doing that.  But I am positive that my BF% is up from before (duh).  Not to mention that breastfeeding has my proportions and hormones all mixed up.  I read that breastfeeding women store more body fat around their midsection due to decreased estrogen and the fact their bodies want those fat stores while producing milk.  I don't know if it's true or not, but I'm going to use that as the reason for my muffin top.

As I say every year, I don't do New Year Resolutions.  When I want to make a change, I do it.  So while my goal is to lose weight and get back into racing shape, it had nothing to do with January 1, and everything to do with November 8.

One major downside to the additional weight and decreased activity is that my right knee is acting up again.  I'm going to keep my runs short until it feels better, and I also started lifting weights again.  While at the gym, I use the elliptical.  I'll eventually get back on my bike, I just haven't yet.  I think the half marathon I'm signed up for in March is a good goal.  I'm going to help a friend go sub-2 hours and I think that is a healthy goal for me.  Maybe in the fall I'll find a half marathon to try to PR but it's way too soon to think about that.

My goal is to do complete body measurements on January 1 and start keeping track from there.  I'm not real worried about it.  The way I see it, it took me 9 months to put that weight on, so I have at least 9 months to take it off.  Slow and steady wins the race and no new mom needs the additional pressure of losing weight while learning how to take care of a family.  It certainly helps to have a supportive husband and group of friends to get back into shape!

Merry Christmas!

 

Merry Christmas!

 

May you find everything you wish for under the tree!

 

I wish you many happy miles in 2013,

A Girl Named Sam

One Month

 

 

I can't believe it's been one month already!  It will be two more weeks before I'm cleared for physical activity but the little man is keeping me busy.  He's pretty consistent with his morning schedule so I am going to start getting up after his morning feeding to walk and eventually run.

 

Yoga is a little hard when it's just the two of us at home.  If I get one full vinyasa done before he needs something, it's pretty good. But interrupted yoga is better than nothing.  I tried doing push ups the other day and I could only do 5.  I tried holding plank pose and couldn't do much more than 10 seconds.  So that's where I'm starting.  But it's a start nonetheless.

Updates from Babyland

I can't believe it's almost been 4 weeks since Winston was born.  I keep meaning to post updates but I find myself one-handed most of the time I'm sitting down which makes blogging a little difficult.

 

The short version is we're doing well.  We went in to Children's Mercy to follow up on the fluid-on-the-kidneys issue they saw when I was at 38 weeks.  Unfortunately, it has not resolved itself yet.  We were told that in 70% of the cases, it resolves itself within the first 2 years.  There are a few different options and we will discuss it more with his pediatrician at his 1 month check-up next week.  But for now we were basically told not to worry.  Based on his diapers, the plumbing is working just fine, he just needs to clear out the excess fluid. 

 

My little helper

I am feeling much more human and have gotten up to 3 miles walking.  I have also started doing some easy yoga.  Some time between 1 and 2 weeks after he was born, I got up the courage to step on the scale.  I was pleasantly surprised I have less than 10lb to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and that includes the excess weight due to breastfeeding.

My pre-pregnancy pants are a little tight and I can't quite fit into my skinny jeans, but I can wear some of my normal pants.  Unless you've been pregnant, you have no idea how great it is to put on pants without an elastic waist.  Once I can start running and really working out again, I figure the pants will take care of themselves.

I was also worried about abdominal diastasis, which is a separating of the abdominal muscles due to pregnancy.  Less than a two-finger gap is what is considered normal after pregnancy.  Until the ab muscles go back together, you shouldn't do ab exercises like crunches because they can make it worse.  Last week, the gap between my abs was one finger, this week the gap has completely closed.  I started to some easy ab exercises to start getting them back into shape.  Still no crunches, but plank pose and other easy yoga-based ab exercises.  Not to mention all of the picking up the baby, who is close to 9 lb now.

My biggest concern right now is due to breastfeeding.  I have to wear a sports bra just to walk.  I think I'm going to have to get a few new sports bras once I start running again.  I'm also a little worried about the 70.3 in June.  I'll still be breastfeeding then and I think I might have to pump at T2 before running.  It probably doesn't matter since I'm not really trying to PR, but there's some logistics most people don't have to deal with.  I guess I'll worry about it more when June is getting closer.  Good thing the pump I have comes with a battery pack.

I'm working up to 5 miles walking before trying to run.  I'll probably give it the full 6 weeks my doctor recommended.  Besides, I can put Winston in our kid carrier and he sleeps, which is a nice time for us.  Once I start running, he'll have to stay home with Dad.

Winston the Impatient

Week 39

 

I worked almost a full week.  On Thursday, I worked until 3:00 and then left for my appt with my OB.  I had been having contractions all day but nothing consistent or serious.  My doc said maybe I was in labor, maybe not.  She was on call that day and said maybe she'd see me later.  I went home and took a nap.

 

At 7, John and I tried timing contractions but still nothing consistent.  I called my doula just to give her a heads up and a little before 8 I decided to take a shower and then go to bed since I thought it might be a long night.

 

Once I got in the shower, WHAM!  It was like a switch flipped.  I was most certainly in labor.  I called Catherine at 8:08 and told her I was definitely in labor and we were ready for her to come down.  She lives north of KC, so it would take her at least 30 min to get to the house. 

 

In all the classes, books, online, etc, they tell you not to go to the hospital until you've had contractions that are 1 min long, 5 min apart, for at least an hour.  My contractions were 2 min apart, but only 30-45 seconds and that didn't start until 8, so we weren't close to the 1 hour mark.

 

Catherine got to the house about 8:45, heard me caterwauling on the floor and decide we needed to leave for the hospital, NOW.  John and I were relieved to have someone else to direct us.  John called the after-hours number for my OB, loaded up the car and we left about 8:50pm.

 

At 9pm, my OB called back and we were still in the car.  She heard me in the background and said she was getting her clothes on and would meet us there.

 

At 9:10pm, we arrived at the hospital with Catherine.  They brought out a wheelchair and took me straight back to a delivery room.  It was chaos - clearly things were moving much faster than what they're used to.  My OB wasn't there yet, so the hospital OB was paged and he was standing in the hall outside of my room just waiting.

 

At 9:20pm, my OB showed up.  I was pretty oblivious the whole time.  I had my eyes glued shut and was just surviving each contraction.  No pain meds.  Just ice chips.

 

At 9:45pm, Winston was born.  35 min at the hospital.  After he was born, I signed the "Consent to Treat" form.  There was no time at our arrival.  Thankfully, everything worked out.  I had a torn blood vessel, which would have been scary if we hadn't made it to the hospital in time.  Thank god for Catherine.  I can't tell you how much John and I both appreciated her there.  I would recommend to all expecting parents to hire a doula they like.

 





Baby Boy Kevern's first sponge bath.  We didn't have a name picked out yet.

Remember that I had been measuring small for several months?  Well, that was all baloney.  He was 7lb, 15.4 ounces at birth.  I prefer to round up and call him an even 8lb.  I think that's the least I deserve.

Getting weighed.

After all that, it was nothing but magic mommy sparkles.

About 10 hours old

So stinking cute

Heading home from the hospital

We're back at home and getting used to life.  He's going 3-4 hours between feedings, which is pretty good.  I am adjusting to my post-baby body.  I feel good, all things considered, but I think I have highly underestimated how long the recovery time will be.  But that's OK.  I'm enjoying all of the mommy-Winston cuddle time on the couch.

I would like to introduce...

Winston Thomas Kevern

Born 11/8/12 at 9:45pm

7 lb 15.5 oz, 20 in long

 

Mama and baby are doing just fine, more pics and details to follow.

Kid Toys = Cat Toys

Week 39

 

Still no baby.  But hopefully soon.  Mama's tired of carrying around a bowling ball.  Other than being tired, sore, and crabby, there's not a whole lot going on.  So here's some random pictures.

 

A few weeks ago, my friends threw me a surprise baby shower, which was completely unnecessary.  But awesome.  I don't have any pictures from the party but here's a picture of a monkey riding a diaper motorbike.  The monkey has been a big hit with the cats.

 

We finally got the crib set up and the baby's room situated.  So far, all of the kid furniture have been a bighit with the cats.  Portland has climbed in the bouncy chair multiple times and even plays with the dangly toys.  Both cats have been playing in the crib.  It's like an oversized laundry basket to play in.  Recognize the monkey?  Nera was dragging it around by a leg.

If it's new, it must be a cat toy.

Here's a picture of the new rocker.  It fits well with the baby room.  I really like hanging out in the munchkin's room.

And last, Portland even had to try out the changing table.  I was at work when this picture was taken, but I was told that he climbed up and under the strap himself. 

I dare you to try to diaper this one.

So we're still playing the waiting game.  Hopefully the next time I post, I have pictures of the newest member of the K family!

Oversharing

Week 38

Oh man oh man, are we getting close now!  OP is still as active as ever.  We've started calling him Lumpy.  He has lots of names - OP, Lumpy, Offspring, the Spawn, everything except a real name.

One thing John and I have noticed is the tendency of men to over share private information related to their wives giving birth.  One former professor shared in intimate detail of how far dilated and effaced his wife was.  He even charted it and had a trendline showing her labor progression.  The poor woman didn't even know he was sharing this information with grad students.

Then there was John's former classmate and his wife who recently had their third child.  He had no problem sharing with John how far dilated and effaced his wife was in the weeks leading up to delivery.

Just last week, one of John's co-workers was recounting when his wife gave birth (some 20+ years ago) and how "... it always took her forever to get to 3 cm, but once we got to 3 cm, it was whoosh!"  And the whoosh was accompanied by hand motions.

I forbade, FORBADE John from sharing with anyone any information regarding my cervix.  I don't think this is unreasonable.  I'd prefer if everyone thought a stork dropped the little guy off and we just had to go to the hospital to pick him up.  There is no privacy or dignity in giving birth but I'd prefer to keep the public display of body parts, functions, etc, to the medical professionals who are actually helping deliver my son.

The only excuse I can think of, is that all of these men are engineers and engineers typically digest numerical information better than other types of information.  Maybe charting labor progression and talking about dilation is the only way they can cope with the strange (and gross) miracle of birth.  Either way guys, seriously, STOP OVERSHARING.  Your wives would no be happy to know you are talking about their cervix with co-workers, friends, and acquaintances.

In other Babyland news, my friend J & B, who were due on Nov 14, had their daughter this last weekend!  It was good motivation for John to finally break down the spare bed and get the crib set up in the baby's room.  We're ready, or at least as ready as we can be!

Good News in Babyland

Week 37

 

Today I was back in at the specialist's office for ultrasound #6.  The good news is that while the fluid was still there, the levels were lower than last week, which means the fluid back-up is dynamic.  I guess that's a good thing?  The specialist didn't see anything else that was concerning.  She was going to send her report to my OB and our pediatrician.  The pediatrician will do an ultrasound at OP's 2 week check up after he's here in the  outside world.  That was what I was hoping to hear.

 

The specialist and sonographer were both impressed with his acrobatics and thought Optimus Prime was a very fitting name.  I told them his movements during the appointment were nothing compared to what he does at night.  We were able to get some good pictures this week. 

 

37 weeks

 

 Tell me that's not the cutest nose you've ever seen!

Trying to shove his hand in his mouth

 Here's a bonus belly shot from this weekend.  A friend took this shot while screwing around with a new camera lens.  Yeah, he's pretty good.